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A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage,
20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
(sent by wolfman)
an essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. she says, "scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it"
so the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of guinness and replies, "Well oim a little bit tick you see.
the one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"
"cor blimey", exclaims the essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"
(sent by mark cahill, ireland)
an essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. the paramedics soon arrive on site.
medic: "it's ok I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
girl: "ok"
medic: "what's your name?"
girl: "sharon"
medic: "ok sharon, is this your car??"
sharon: "yes"
medic: "where are you bleeding from?"
sharon: "romford"
the medic chuckles and realises he has real live essex girl
"ok, I'm going to check if you're concussed"
sharon: "ok"
medic: "ok then how many fingers am I putting up"
sharon: "oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
(sent by mark cahill, ireland)
essex girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
the man says "choose from our range on the wall."
she says "i'll take the red one."
the man replies "that's a fire extinguisher." .
(sent by mark cahill, ireland)
an essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. she places a garment on the counter.
"i'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"no" she replies. "this time it's mayonnaise."
(sent by mark cahill, ireland)
joe wants to buy a motorcycle. he doesn't have much luck, until, one day, he comes across a beautiful harley davidson with a for sale sign on it.
the
bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10 years old. it is shiny and in absolutely mint condition.
he immediately buys it, and asks the
seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"well, it's
quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. it protects it from the rain."
and
he hands joe a jar of vaseline.
that night, his girlfriend, sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
naturally, they take the bike there. but just before they enter the house,
sandra stops him and says, "i have to tell you something about my family before we go in.
when we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first
person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"no problem," he says. and in they go. joe is shocked. right smack in the
middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. they sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
as dinner progresses, joe decides to take advantage of
the situation. so he leans over and kisses sandra.
no one says a word. so he
reaches over and fondles her breasts. still, nobody says a word. so he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents.
his girlfriend is a little flustered,
her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. he looks at her mom. "she's got a great body", he thinks.
so he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with
her every which way right there on the dinner table. now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. all of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of vaseline from his pocket.
suddenly the
father backs away from the table and shouts: "all right, enough already, i'll do the fucking dishes!!"
(sent by peter fädrich, germany)
an english taxidermist, is sweating his way through the australian outback when he comes across a bar. he staggers in between the beer swilling locals and, in his well educated voice, asks the bartender, "may I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
one of the locals says to his mates, "geez, cobbers, what kind of a
fucking man's drink is that?"
then, turning to the englishman, "hey! you! yes you, you fucking pom!
gin and fucking tonic are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?"
"ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "i'm a
taxidermist."
"oh yeah? and what's a taxidermist, then?"
"i mount d..d..dead animals."
"it's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "he's one
of us!"
(sent by mark cahill, germany)
the husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "i have a headache."
"perfect," her husband said. "i was just in the bathroom powdering my dick
with aspirin.
(sent by mark cahill, germany)
one night a guy takes his girlfriend home. as they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
"darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
her: "No, no. I just can't"
him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her jammies, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. Whatever, but tell him to take his fucking hand off the intercom!"
a man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde.
the blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." 
the blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked,
"does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
a man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. the man takes out a cigarette and lights it. his grandson says, "grandpa, can I try some of your cigarette?" "can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "no," says the little boy. "then you're not big enough." a few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. the little boy says, "grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "no," says the little boy. "then you're not old enough." time passes and they continue to fish. the little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. the grandfather looks at him and says, "hey they look good. can I have one of your cookies?" "can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "i most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "these are my cookies!"
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
a middle aged lawyer and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. on their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "please promise to be gentle,... i am still a virgin!"
the startled groom asks, "how can that be? you've been married 3
times before."
the bride responds... "well you see it was this way: my first husband
was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. my second husband was a gynaecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. and my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was.............
god I miss him! but you're a lawyer, so
now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"
(sent by hubert barth, germany)
a blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "please come over here and help me. i have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and i can't figure out how to getit started". her boyfriend asks, "what is it supposed to be when it's finished?" the blonde says, "according to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. she lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread allover the table. he studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "first of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger". "second, i'd advise you to relax. let's have a cupof coffee, then put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
john o'riley was a member of an irish toast masters club and one evening at the local irish toast masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. well, john o'riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."
when john o'riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the toast masters meeting went and he said, "i won the contest for the best toast of the evening." his wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church wi' me wife." his wife then said, "why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."
the next morning, mrs. o'riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the toast masters meeting with john o'riley. he said, "hello mrs. o'riley, that was some great toast that your husband john gave at the toast masters meeting last evening. he won first prize." "yes, that's right," said mrs. o'riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time i had to pull him out by the ears.
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
dr bose and mr klipsch are walking down the street, on opposite sides, approaching each other. on seeing bose, klipsch cups his hands around his mouth, faces towards bose and calls out "hey, bose, are you still making those speakers?" bose turns away from Klipsch, puts his hands over his mouth and mumbles "yes".
(sent by hubert barth, germany)
igor, a successful russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the black sea. he finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it in jest. out pops a genie and promises to grant igor only one wish. 
"gee, i have everything i need. i have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than i could ever spend, and i am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. i really can't think of anything that i really need," says igor. 
"think hard," says the genie, "there must be something you wish that you had." 
so igor thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. finally he says, "you know, i really do love drinking good vodka, but sometimes i just can't find it when I want some. therefore, i wish that i could piss vodka." 
"very well," says the genie, "pissing vodka you shall have." 
the genie hands him a glass and instructs him to piss in it. he does. then she ! asks him to smell it. he does. then she asks him to taste it. he does. 
"this is the best vodka i've ever tasted!" igor exclaims. "thank you." and the genie disappears, and igor returns home. that night igor gets 2 glasses and pisses into each one. he takes them into the den and gives one to his wife to drink and one for himself. 
"this is delicious," his wife raisa tells him. so every night for the next 5 night he comes home from work, pisses in 2 glasses and enjoys the drink with his wife. on the seventh night he comes home from work but only pisses vodka into one glass. when he enters the den, raisa asks him, "where is my drink dear igor." 
"ah," igor replies, "tonight i will teach you how to drink right from the bottle." 

(sent by paul seagren, usa)
one night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. they strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors. after about an hour, the man says to the woman, hey, how about we sleep together tonight? no strings attached. it'll just be one night of fun. the woman agrees. so they go back to her place. she goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. she scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. afterwards, the man says to the woman, you're a surgeon, aren't you? yeah, how did you know? i could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started. oh, that makes sense,says the woman. you're an anesthesiologist, aren't you? yeah,says the man, a bit taken aback. how did you know? the woman answers, i didn't feel a fucking thing.
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. the first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband in the mood at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.  the second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked, and began the process of putting her legs behind her head. the first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. she had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. however, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"gladys!" he exclaimed. "for christ's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in -- you look like an asshole!"
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
she's not quite sure what to do, so harry says, "stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, i'll be parked around the corner." she's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "how much?" she says, "a hundred dollars." he says "all I've got is thirty." she says, "hold on." She runs back to harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" harry says, "a handjob." she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. he agrees. she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply hUGE penis. she stares at it for a minute, and then says, "i'll be right back." she runs back around the corner and asks breathlessly, "harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks? 
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. she heard the train stop and her son saying, "all of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
the horrified mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. now i want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for 2 hOURS. when you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and assumed playing with his train. soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. we thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. we hope you will ride with us again soon." she hears the boy continue, "for those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. we hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
as the mother began to smile, the boy added,
"for those of you who are pissed off about the 2 hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
a beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes toher local pet store in search of an exotic pet. as she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. the sign says: "oral sex" frogs! only $20 each! money back guarantee!  (comes with complete instructions). the girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "i'll take one." the man packaged the frog and said, "just follow the instructions carefully." the girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her  way home. as soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. take a shower. 2. splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. slip into on a very sexy teddy. 4. crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there". she then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! the girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. she re-reads the instructions and notices that at the bottom of the paper it says, "if you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." so, the girl calls the pet store. the man says, "i had some complaints earlier today. i'll be right over." within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. the girl welcomes him in and says, "see, i've done  everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." the man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "now listen to me! i'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
a man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. he decides to give them a test. he gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money. the first does a total makeover. she goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. she tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. the man was impressed.
the second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. she gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. as she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. again, the man is impressed.
the third invests the money in the stock market. she earns several times the $5000. she gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. she tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
obviously, the man was impressed.
the man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he. . . . . . . . .
married the one with the largest breasts
(sent by peter fädrich, germany)
a chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. on the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. he climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "my darring, i know dis you firs time and you bery frighten.
i plomise you, i give you anyting you want, i do anyting you want. what you want?"
"i want numma 69" she replies. he looks at her very puzzled and says, "you want..., beef with broccoli?"
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
a bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a piano player. a scroungy looking old guy, dressed like a bum, entered the bar and told the bartender he was interested in the job. the bartender wasn't too impressed with the looks, but figured, what the hell, and pointed the old guy to the piano in the corner. the old man sat down and started to play the most beautiful, melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever heard. all talk stopped during the song, and when he stopped, they all applauded. "hey, you're good," said the barkeeper. "what was that?" "i call it 'drop them panties momma, i'm gonna do ya all night long.'" "interesting title," said the bartender. "got another?" the man broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished, at which time they again gave him a thunderous round of applause. "you're really great! what do you call that one?" asked the bartender. "that's a little ditty i call 'i wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.'" he then said, "if you'll excuse me, i'd like to use the restroom. "while he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting immediately. he returned a moment or two later, and the bartender said, "If you want the job, it's yours." he looked down and noticed the man hadn't quite finished his trip to the restroom...
"by the way," he asked him, "do you know your dick's hanging out for all the world to see?"
"know it? I WROTE IT!"
(sent by paul seagren, usa)
there is legend that goes like this: in a bar in new york there is a magical mirror. if you go up to it and tell it the truth, it will grant you a wish, if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up. ok, a brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. they head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first. she says: "i think I'm the most beautiful woman on earth" POOF - the mirror swallows her up. the brunette goes up, she says:" i think I'm the sexiest woman on earth." POOF - the mirror swallows her up. least is the blonde. she says " I think..." POOF!!
one day, farmer jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. he stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer 
to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. the livestock dealer said, "why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. while walking he met a fair young lady. she told him she was lost, and asked, "can you tell me how to get to 1515 mockingbird lane?" 
the farmer said, "well, as a matter of fact, i'm going to visit my brother at 1616 mockingbird lane. let's take a short cut and go down this alley. we'll save half the time to get there." 
the fair young lady said, "how do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?" the farmer said, "i am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. how in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" 
the young lady said, "set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
(sent by paul seagren, usa)


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